


If you'd never said anything

by effyray



Category: The 100
Genre: After 2x16, Clarke and Lexa reunion, Clexa, F/F, Spoiler Alert - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-20 00:32:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3630009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/effyray/pseuds/effyray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke accidentally finds her way to Polis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any mistakes (english is NOT my first language). Please comment if you liked it, if you want more, if you want different stories or if you want more chapters of this one, etc.

 

> _Here it is in my hands_  
>  _In my veins, and overlands_  
>  _It spreads like fire, seeking air_
> 
> _\- Ellie Goulding, "Don't Say a Word"_

 

* * *

 

 

She was a legend now. "The girl who defeated Mt. Weather", "Clarke of the Sky People defeated Mt. Weather", she heard the whispers every time she entered a new camp. Clarke _hated_ it. She didn't want to be a "hero" because she killed hundreds of innocent, good, people.... little kids, teachers, entire families... it all haunted her every moment of every day. So she avoided camps now.

Clarke must have been walking for about 3 weeks when she saw it, in the horizon. The biggest camp so far.

It's been 2 days since she ate something. Her knees were weak, her body hurt from sleeping constantly on the hard ground under trees and she thought she was about to pass out. With all the strength she had left she slowly walked to the gates of the huge place.

Before she could reach the entrance, her body gave up and everything turned black.

 

* * *

 

 

Her eyes fluttered open. A face appeared just above her head. "Are you okay, Clarke of the Sky People?", asked a young girl, in a very weird version of English mixed with Trigedasleng. She tried to talk but her throat was dry. The girl noticing what the problem was, gave her a cup. Clarke sat up and drank the entire thing at once. "Welcome to Polis", the girl said with a smile on her face.

Clarke froze. Polis? "Lexa...", she whispered under her breath. Her heart was pounding in her ears. Lexa was there.

"Do you wish to see the Commander?", apparently her whisper wasn't really a whisper, because the young girl stood up from the seat beside Clarke's bed, waiting for an order.

She thought about confronting Lexa everyday of her journey... what she would say or do... but now that that was possible she wasn't sure of her feelings. Of course she was angry, but she also knew that the only person that understood her pain and the blood on her hands was Lexa.

 _'But I would never betray her trust'_ , Clarke thinks after a few moments, reliving that night in her head and the rage takes over her again.

"Yes. I'd like to see the Commander."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for any mistakes (english is NOT my first language). Please comment if you liked it, if you want more, if you want different stories or if you want more chapters of this one, etc.

After a few minutes, impatiently waiting, Clarke was informed that the Commander was in a meeting with her guards. She was a little disappointed, because she _wanted_ to see Lexa anyway.

"I am sure it is not going to take long", the girl, that introduced herself as Phael, said. Clarke tried to stand but everything seemed to spin around her and she sat down at the edge of the bed again. Phael stopped by her side putting a hand on her shoulder. "Do not try to get up. You are still weak. I will get you something to eat", she squeezed Clarke's shoulder lightly and left.

Everything was so confusing right now. Clarke rested her head in her hands and took deep breaths trying to make sense out of things.

The girl came back with a bow of berries and more water. "Our people said they would like to meet you when you get better", Phael had a smile on her face.

"I'll just eat and then I'll be good as new", she replied with faint smile not wanting to let the young girl down.

"Okay. I will let them know. Just come out when you are ready".

Again, Clarke was left alone. The last thing she wanted to do was meet people that would call her "hero" or "legend", so she took her time.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke stepped out of the small house made of stones and her breath was cut short by the image in front of her. Polis. It was... beautiful. Torches everywhere, a weird style of music was being played with percussion instruments, kids running around, grounders laughing, talking, everyone without a care in the world. It was contagious and Clarke realized she had a smile on her face.

"Clarke of the Sky People?", a young boy asked. She could see by his clothes and posture that he was training to be a warrior.

"Yes", a wave of guilt washed over her again when she remembered what happened when she was in a camp, knowing that here it wouldn't be any different.

"It is very nice o meet you", he slightly bowed down in front of her, catching the attention of people around them that seemed to recognize her as well.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you too", she greeted politely.

Grounders started to approach her slowly, thanking her for defeating the mountain men. The smile was no longer on her face.

 

* * *

 

 

She must have been talking to grounders for about an hour when Phael told her Lexa was now available. Clarke excused herself away from the small crowd taking the young girl with her. "Does she know I'm here?", she asked in a whisper.

"I have not told her it was you who wished to see her, but I am sure she knows by now", she pointed to the people behind them, "you are all they talk about, now."

Clarke let out a deep breath, thinking about her options. Deciding, moments after, that she wanted to do this _now_. She wanted to confront Lexa.

"Can you take me to the Commander, please?"

Phael nodded and started to walk. Clarke following her closely, not wanting to get lost. Every moment of the way she could hear whispers in Trigedasleng, even if she could only understand her own name and "Skai kru", she knew what they were talking about.

About fifteen minutes later, the younger girl stopped in front of a big house made of stones, painted black. It was almost like a... palace. Guards with swords and bows standing all around it. Clarke saw some familiar faces before she stopped at the strong woman already watching her, a little surprised. Indra. They booth took steps forward, meeting each other halfway.

"Clarke of the Sky People, hello", Indra seemed less angry than she recalled.

"Hi, Indra".

"What are you doing here?", the warrior asked, looking behind the blonde.

"Don't worry. I'm alone", she interrupted the look of the woman standing in front of her. "I want to see Lexa", she stated, cutting to the chase.

"I imagined", Indra let out an annoyed breath. "Leave your weapons there", she pointed to a barrel near the tallest guard, "I'll let her know you are here".

Clarke nodded, already taking her gun out of the holster and her knife out of her belt, placing both inside the designated place.

Her hands were shaking. She was nervous, but more than nervous, she was _angry_.

 

"She will see you now, Clarke", Indra said as she came back a few moments after. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I really need comments to know if I'm doing this right lol)
> 
> Also, I'll update very soon :) I've just been busy with college stuff... but chapter 3 is coming! :D


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

 

 

> _So now I give you all my sins_  
>  _I've chosen you, I've chosen you..._
> 
> _\- Ellie Goulding, "Don't Say a Word"_

 

* * *

 

Clarke was guided through the house of stones by one of the guards. They passed few doors -the rage inside Clarke was building up with each step- before they stopped in front the bigger one, that had a symbol on top of it, that looked like the one Lexa wore on her forehead during war. 

_Lexa..._

The guard opened the door and moved to the side waiting for the blonde to walk in, entering too after her. Which bothered Clarke a bit.

Then she saw her. _Finally_. She seemed lost in her own thoughts looking over maps. She took her eyes off the papers, laying them on Clarke. She notice the mix of feelings that Lexa tried to hide behind her mask, as usual.

She wasn't wearing her war gear or war paint. She looked... normal. Just Lexa.

"Heda", the guard said and bowed down slightly. 

It took everything in Lexa to take her eyes off of Clarke, looking at the guard. She nodded once, "leave us", she stated calmly. He turned around to leave, taking the order. "Don't come in, unless I order you to", the Commander said to him, after a second. He simply nodded over his shoulder and left, closing the door.

Her eyes laid on Clarke again but she didn't say anything. The blonde closed, very painfully slowly, the distance between them, stopping in front of the brunette. Green and blue eyes locked, never wavering.  
They just stayed like that. Looking for words when words could not possibly describe everything they wanted.

All of a sudden, Clarke slapped Lexa on the cheek with her right hand. She didn't think about it before she actually did it. The sound echoed in the big room. It was strong, but her hand had moved slower than it normally would because the blonde was still weak from the lack of food and water. Lexa could have _easily_ defended herself. But she didn't. Her face was still turned to the side, her eyes closed and she visibly clenched her jaw.

She didn't even looked surprised by the action. Which made Clarke even more angry.

The commander moved her head to look deep in Clarke's eyes again. There was no confusion in her expression. The brunette knew _exactly_ why the other girl did that.

Lexa oppened her mouth just a bit to say something, but Clarke saw the movement and slapped her again, as if it was a reflex. She got the same reaction from the taller girl. Eyes closed, jaw clenched.  
"How could you do that?", her voice was just a whisper. They both knew it was about the night on Mt. Weather.

Lexa heard the question and she could _feel_ her heart skipping a beat. It broke her. Every moment after that night broke her heart. She knew it was weakness but, for the first time in years, she didn't fight that feeling.

"Clark-", The commander started.  
"Shut up", the girl demanded, cutting her words. Her voice just a little bit louder this time. Lexa could only obey, knowing there was nothing she could say, that would make Clarke less angry.

"I trusted you, Lexa!", the smaller girl pushed hard at Lexa's shoulders with both hands. The commander barely moved with the attack, Clarke was weak right now and she was a warrior, trained to be strong. "You _betrayed_ me", she repeat the attack.

The leader of the Sky People was really pissed, but also confused because the warrior could have easily defended herself of all the attacks but did nothing.  
Clarke took slow, deep breaths. Trying to calm down. Her eyes never leaving green ones.

Lexa mirrored the girl's action, taking a deep breath, closing her eyes, starting again, "Clarke, I'm glad you are alive", she whispered, meaning it with every cell of her being.

The blonde felt shivers running down her spine at the sound of her name clicking on the Commander's lips. It bothered Clarke that she had that effect over her.

"Not thanks to you", Clarke took a step towards Lexa, that backed down, calmly taking a step backwards. "I never expected that from you Lexa", another step from both. Again and again. "We were in it _together_ ", Clarke's voice was getting louder. Lexa slightly hit a wall with the back of her boot, stopping. "But you walked away!", before the blonde could angrily push her again, the Commander swiftly took her by both hands, reversing their position.

Now, she had both of Clarke's wrists in a strong grip crossed behind the blonde's back, pinning her against the stone wall, with her body. Their foreheads touching, noses brushing and Lexa's hot breath so near Clarke's mouth that the girl could not think about anything anymore. It was paralyzing.

 "I am sorry, Clarke. I did _not_ want to do that, but I _had_ to", Lexa whispered taking advantage of the smaller girl's silence, not knowing when it would happen again. Seeing that Clarke let her talk, she continued, "I understand you and your anger. I deserve what you're doing to me. I _deserve_ you hating me."

They were both with eyes closed. Clarke let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and rested her head on Lexa's shoulder. Against her will, she started to cry. Sobbing uncontrollably. She realized she hadn't cried this whole time and everything she reppressed was getting out of her body now.

Lexa let go of her grip on the girl's hands, hugging her tight. The blonde threw her, now free, arms around the commander's shoulders, crying even more, burying her face on the girl's neck.

 

When Clarke was a little more calm, the taller girl whispered near her ear "I understand your mourning, Clarke", because it was the ultimate truth.

The news, about what the leader of the Sky People had to do to save her people, were running through everyone's mouth.

Lexa _knew_ mourning, it was almost her natural habitat... she just had to hide it.

At that moment the crying girl realized that Lexa wasn't the enemy to her feelings... she was the solution. Because inside her hug, for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime, she felt _safe_. "I don't hate you", her head never leaving Lexa's neck. Clarke's voice was so quiet she wasn't sure Lexa heard it.

The commander just hugged her tighter as a response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 coming soon! :)
> 
> (don't forget to comment your opinions, requests, etc)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, because I'm really busy (like REEEEALLY busy)...  
> But I'm found some time today and I'm already writing chapter 5.  
> Things are going to get more... interesting, in the next chapters, I promise.

Clarke had calmed down, her breathing had returned to normal. She realized her head was still on the Commander's neck, while the taller girl rubbed her back calmly.  
She was a little bit embarrassed and extremely tired. Her body felt like it was about to give in, _again_. She had to leave.  
She lifted her head, looking in Lexa's eyes and the brunette took a slow step back, giving Clarke space to decide what to do.

She was thankful for the gesture but at the same time she almost asked her to hold her again. She fought that urge.  
"I'm really tired, Lexa", she said finally after a few moments.  
"I can see that", she answered. "You should rest".  
"Yes", Clarke whispered, with a faint smile, starting to walk to the door.

Lexa should've just let her go, but-

"Clarke", she said and the girl stopped, not knowing what to expect. "You can stay here. Inside. I'll make sure you are not bothered", her mouth said without her permission. She instantly regretted.

Clarke looked over her shoulder. "I still can't trust you, Lexa. It's too much. I can't forgive you... _not yet_ ", she intentionally repeated the words she said after their first kiss. Strangely, in this moment her voice showed no anger. Lexa couldn't quite figure out what her tone meant, but she understood perfectly why she wasn't trusted.

The brunette's heart sunk in her chest. That was it. She was spending the night, to rest, but after that, Clarke was leaving. She might not even see her again. She deserved that. She deserved to be alone as punishment.

The blonde opened the door, to leave but stopped. It looked like she was thinking about something, before she turned her body just enough to face Lexa. Her hand still on the door handle.  
"I'm not leaving Polis for now, if that's ok", she said with her voice still low.  
Lexa hid her surprise under her mask (or at least, tried to), "yes", she said simply.

Clarke gave her a quick smile, not really looking in her eyes, "see you soon", and left. The guard on the door looked at the Commander that pointed to Clarke with her head, as a signal that he should stay near her. He nodded once and followed the smaller girl. Another guard appeared to take his place and closed the door, staying outside.

Lexa was confused with all that had just happened. She was relieved that Clarke would stay in Polis, witch meant she now had the chance to make things better. She was feeling something she wasn't used to.... _hope_. It's dangerous to hope for something, but she couldn't help it.... not this time.

The side of her face was hurting and she took it as a reminder of what she'd done and why Clarke couldn't trust her anymore. At least for now.

* * *

 

Clarke could sense that someone was following her and looked back, only to see Lexa's guard behind her, with a statue expression. She was almost angry that Lexa would put a tail on her _inside_ Polis, but she was too tired to even care. She would talk to her about it in the morning.

She somehow found her way back to the small house, letting her body fall on the bed as soon as she got in.

Thoughts started to lazily run around in her head. For the first time in _weeks_ , Clarke wasn't falling asleep thinking about Mt. Weather and what happened there. 

She was thinking about how Lexa held her and how things took a completely unexpected turn. She fell asleep wishing Lexa was there to hold her, but also wishing she could stab the Commander with her knife... _repeatedly_. It was so complicated. How she could hate someone this much but still want them around?  
Questions she would try to answer as soon as her brain was restored and working clearly.

 

She slept peacefully that night. No nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment with suggestions, opinions, etc  
> Also, you can find me on tumblr @ s-h-a-k-e-it-out . tumblr . com


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for any mistakes (english is NOT my first language). Please comment if you liked it, if you want more, if you want different stories or if you want more chapters of this one, etc.

Apparently, activities for the grounders started very early, because the sun was still rising when she first heard the sounds of people walking outside. She sat up, satisfied that the dizziness wasn't there anymore. Her body was still a little sore but nothing she couldn't easily handle.

For the first time, in what seemed like a very long time, she felt well-rested.

The conversation of the night before started to slowly come back to her but it all still felt a little bit like a distant memory or a dream... maybe because she'd been so tired during it all.

She looked around looking for Phael, the healer that was taking care of her, but she wasn't in the house.

Clarke got up, put her pants back on and stretched as much as she could, becoming satisfied with feeling almost no physical pain.

She stepped outside and once again was struck by the beauty of Polis, observing every detail she realized everything about that place was so simple and yet so complex...

After a few minutes of just admiring the place around her, Clarke was brought back to reality when she heard a guard stand up from the bench he was sitting, in front of the little stone house she was currently staying, looking directly in her direction. He walked towards her. The guard was taller than her and she had to look up to talk to him, "did the Commander asked you to follow me?".

"She ordered me to follow and protect you", he said very dryly with a strong Trigedasleng accent.

"Why?", Clarke was genuinely curious, after all, she was inside Polis... There was no danger here.

"I do not ask questions. I follow orders", again, he said without changing his tone.

Clarke rolled her eyes at the answer and was about to say something but got interrupted by the sound of a bell. Before she could say anything, the guard, clearly noticing her confusion, stated "that is coming from the Great Room. That is where we eat", he pointed to a big construction made of wood and bricks,  not so far from where they were, "and right now it is time for the first meal of the day".

"Can I eat there too? Or is it just for Grounders?", Clarke didn't know much about their rules in Polis and she was getting hungry.

"It is for grounders and for visitors. You are a visitor, so you can eat there too", he wasn't sounding so neutral anymore... maybe he was warming up to Clarke.

 

They walked for a couple of minutes until they got to a big line of grounders just outside the big door, where everyone was politely moving inside.

Once they got to the giant room, Clarke stopped in her tracks because the place was beautiful. Big windows made of wood were open and covered the walls almost entirely, the sun light was beginning to fill the place just like the amazing smell of food. She followed the line, still looking around. They walked to a large table where the food was. A lot of berries and fruits, meat and something that looked like bread. She grabbed a bowl and filled it with berries and grapes. The guard guided her to one of the long tables, that was near a platform, where another long table was set, with food and water and pretty cups. Behind the table there were a few chairs and in the middle of the table a bigger chair, almost like a small throne. She realized that was Lexa's chair.

Grounders talked and greeted each other with what seemed like a Trigedasleng "good morning". Some looked at Clarke and simply nodded their heads once in her direction, some smiled at her and quickly thanked her. That was when her mood started, once again, to go downhill; she was getting angry again. She remembered the betrayal and everything that happened after that. The feelings kept coming back.

She noticed that people were just sitting and talking with their food in front of them, "why no one's eating?", she asked the guard.

"It is not polite to eat without the Commander being here", he answered. "She will be here any second now".

As if on cue with what he said, Lexa got in the big room with Indra and their personal guards, by the back door. Lexa was wearing something like a war gear, but it looked lighter, the red cloth was over her shoulder, as usual; and no war paint. Clarke's anger was there again, but mixed with something she didn't recognize.

The room went silent when the Commander greeted everyone in Trigedasleng but then everyone went back to talking and now, eating. The brunette took her seat, finding Clarke's eyes fixed on hers. She didn't know what was the appropriate move, so she just continued with her routine. Lexa tried to hide as hard as she could, but she couldn't help the faint smile on her lips. Clarke was still in Polis; maybe, just _maybe_ , there was time to make things right.

Clarke was probably the only who noticed the weak smile on her face, witch, for some unknown reason, made her even angrier at the brunette. She needed a distraction.

"You haven't told me your name", she said to 'her' guard.

"Kalef".

"Kalef, where can I take a shower around here?", maybe that's what she needed to calm down.

"We wash ourselves and our clothes down by the river", he said again with a neutral tone.

"Can you take me there?"

"Of course", he finished his food and got up, "but the Commander informed me she would like to see you today".

"She can wait", yep. Clarke was pissed. "I'll take care of myself first", she looked at the Commander's eyes again, who already had her eyes on the blonde, and started walking outside.

"It is not wise to keep the Commander waiting, Clarke of the Sky People", he said when they left and were out of Lexa's sight.

"I don't care".

 

~~~~\---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

After coming back to the little house and finding Phael, Clarke asked her for some clothes, so she could wash her own and was guided to the river by Kalef, who respectfully stopped a few meters before the river so Clarke could have her privacy.

It kind of worked, she was calmer now, and completely clean, finally. She put her new clothes on and came back to Polis, handing over her washed ones to Phael who offered herself to take care of them and dry them up.

She was now heading straight to Lexa's 'palace'.

 

She didn't have any weapons with her so she just walked in, being followed by Kalef, as usual. He knocked on the door twice, and was told to get in, after identifying himself. He opened the door for Clarke and stayed outside, closing the door behind her.

"Clarke", the brunette looked up, with her hands still on top of a table full of papers; not showing how much she didn't like being kept waiting.

"Lexa", she said forcing her voice to be neutral, even though every time she saw Lexa her body and mind were both a mess.

They looked at each other for a few seconds before the brunette broke the silence.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm angry", there was no point in lying right now. "Honestly, I feel like punching you in the face all the time", she conveniently didn't say that she was thinking about pushing her against a wall and kissing her, just as much. Everything was still really confusing.

"I know. I don't blame you", Lexa simply said and closed the space between them, standing only a couple of steps away. "Kalef told me you are staying in one of our healers' house".

"Phael. Yes".

"I would like to know if you would want to stay here", Lexa said after a deep breath, "we have a lot of empty rooms with more comfortable accommodations". The Commander seemed a little nervous about this question.

Clarke was surprised, but she didn't let it show, "I can't", she said. "I don't trust you Lexa".

The brunette's mask wasn't working like she taught because at that moment Clarke could see right through it. Lexa was hurt, and even though she shouldn't care about it, or her, somehow she did. So Clarke told her about her recent decision, "...and since I don't intend to leave any time soon, I can't live this close to you". 

"I understand", Lexa came back to her usual neutral composure, hiding her excitement. "I'm glad you are staying".

Before Clarke could say anything else, they heard a knock on the door and Indra called Lexa for the daily meeting.

"I have to go, Clarke", she said. They stayed in silence again for a few seconds. The Commander took another deep breath, "can I come find you tomorrow? I have something to give you".

"Of course", her mouth answered without her permission. "Just don't be surprised if I actually punch you", unexpectedly they both smiled at the comment.

"I'll see you soon, Clarke", Lexa said turning her Commander face on once again, leaving the room.

 

The blonde left right after, going outside sitting on a bench on the quieter place she could find. How could she want to kill Lexa one second and the next second everything was so blurry and mixed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment with suggestions, opinions, etc  
> Also, you can find me on tumblr @ s-h-a-k-e-it-out . tumblr . com


End file.
